watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
