somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
