how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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