what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
