I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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