I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
