remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
