You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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