My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize