I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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