she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
