have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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