woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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