Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
