god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm so fucking centered right now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
