nut hugger
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
