I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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