Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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