Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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