Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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