I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
