All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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