She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize