I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
