This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
