im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
