well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
