They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm at about main and main street
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
