all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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