Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
