The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize