he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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