You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
