I wish I could punch you in the face.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
