Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
