someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
