im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
