Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He? As in you personified your dick?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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