i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's blow job season.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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