my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
ttyl tear gas
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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