I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
