I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
