Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
