so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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