Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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