the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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