Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
