dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
