Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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