At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
