I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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