Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
