True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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