I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
