i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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