another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
