Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
