My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
