You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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