dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
