I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
4 words: hood of his car
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
