this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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