If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
